Accepting it’s probably for the best

I’ve been a stepmom to two kids (now 8 and 10) for four years. My husband and I have been trying for the past year and half to conceive, starting a year after my kidney transplant. I’ve been sad, resentful, and pessimistic since after about the first 5 months of trying. Over time, I’ve slowly started accepting and then rejecting the thought that this may not ever happen (enter resentment). This past month, I was hospitalized for low hemoglobin from a suspected bleed, brought on by my cirrhotic portal hypertension. I was diagnosed with autoimmune hepatitis when I was 12 but was asymptotic for years. After this bout and looking into pregnancy with high portal hypertension, I decided we should stop trying since the risks would be really high, and have been thinking it’s probably for the best since we’re already spread super thin with my stepkids’ expenses and time. This furthers feelings of resentment but I remind myself it’s not their fault, it’s my own health. I know after a liver transplant in the future, pregnancy would be more viable but I’m struggling with the idea of my stepkids being much older at that point, and my husband and I being in our late 30s and early 40s at that point. I just wanted this to be a natural process without forcing it with medical intervention but it seems like it’s not in the cards.