(vent) I just really wanted to be a mom this year...

If I hadn't lost our little bean in November, I'd be 18 weeks pregnant right now. This journey has been filled with so many emotions and today I'm overwhelmed with sadness about 2016. It's likely that I won't be a mom this year. It breaks my heart.

I find myself realigning my expectations again. After I miscarried and had a D&C in November, I had to quickly drop my expectations around Thanksgiving and Christmas. We were going to announce then while home for the holidays. I scrapped those plans. Here I am again, realigning my 2016 expectations. I mean, I was supposed to be having a baby in June. I was going to be a mom! We were going to have our first baby!

My emotions often swing from sadness to anger. Today I felt especially angry when I opened my email and saw YET ANOTHER email from a company that whattoexpect.com had sold my email to. This time it was Huggies, asking me if I had decided on a name yet. Last time it was the Honest company trying to calculate how many diapers I would need in July. God. I just want to send a big pile of dog shit to every company that sends these emails. I've unsubscribed, I've reported a loss. What else do you fucking want from me?

Can you hear my anger? I'm just so sad. Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought to try again. Or maybe this is just another day and tomorrow I will feel totally different. Who knows.

Thanks for listening.