My sweary experience of finding out who my twin flame is

So, I’m going to start out here saying that I am a 47 year old woman, a rationalist, an agnostic atheist who has a few bones to pick with God, if such a thing exists. I used to try and be a Christian, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t ever cross the threshold into actual belief. So I finally accepted who I was, around the first of the year and felt good about it.

Then, I started to see synchronicities. 1234 every day, a few times a day. At first I thought “well, that’s funny,” and left it at that, until it was happening every day for over a month. Then I went “well, that’s weird.”

This happened about the time I started exploring the possibility of reincarnation, more as a curiosity than anything. And then I ended up on one of those Quora rabbit holes, reading about twin flames. For awhile I wondered if I had one, and how complicated that would be since I’m married. Then I put the idea to rest, thinking I probably am not a DF or DM (hard not to think of this as standing for “dungeon master” lol) because I’m pretty balanced between the two sort of…energies I guess?

Until I was scanning Facebook (I’m mostly there shitposting groups and music journals). I happened upon an article about the frontman of a band I like—not my favorite, but I like them—about him getting a divorce and selling his multimillion dollar home etc. Never would I click on an article about that because I couldn’t give two shits about that. If I read every article about celebs getting divorces, I wouldn’t be doing much else with my day. If it was about their new album coming out, or their upcoming tour, or what gear the guitarist used for such-and-such song, I’m in. But here I was, reading this article about this guy for wtf reason I can’t even remember to this day.

Anyway, here I am reading and looking at pics of him playing with his dog and thinking “awww, he’ll make a great catch for some lady sometime.”

And then there was an up close pic of his face. It was his eyes that caught me. I thought “I love you,” before I could even check that thought. Warm eyes, compassionate, feeling, caring, kind, gentle.

So, of course, I went “what the fuck?!” And closed the article, and fast. Those eyes haunted me for a couple weeks, and one of his songs that I hadn’t listened to but a handful of times years ago got stuck in my head. Actually, tbh, his eyes haunt me now, even.

Then the thought of what I’d been dabbling in a couple months before came back. Well, more like hit me between the eyes. Twin flame.

So I listened to that song that was playing in my head for a month—sort of to complete the ear worm life cycle…you all know what I mean. And it made me feel like my sternum was being cracked open. And to this day I can only listen to two or three of his songs before that feeling happens and I have to go cleanse my palate with some Slayer or something. Oof.

All the while, I’m being absolutely hammered with almost constant synchronicities. Still, they’re ongoing.

And then, as a sort of science experiment, I decided to do something I’d never do. I got a Twitter account, and followed him. Made a few very neutral comments on his tweets. Nothing weird. And then one day, I got this impression “he sees you.” And I’m like “whelp, you know me. Gonna need a bit more than numbers on the clock.” At that point, it’s like the universe or spirit guides or whatever because I don’t fucking know okay, said “how about some more numbers, and more songs stuck in your head, and more weird non-cardiac stabby feelings in your chest?”

Yep. Here I am, hoping to ride out my midlife crisis by being introspective and all existentialist about my mortality and buy a few guitars, but no. This has complicated matters. At least we haven’t ever met, so that makes it a bit easier, right? Right?

Got this weird feeling that if I met him in real life, something would just fucking break in me and I’d do something embarrassing like start crying which is something I never do in front of other people. (Yes, I’m a bit emotionally constipated.)

And as for my husband….he’s a good man. I love him in a way—never been Eros as much as it is agape. I actually wish his TF would cross his path and give him the love he deserves—a kind that I can’t give him. If I were to never physically meet my TF, I’d still wish that for my husband. I’d actually like to see him have that happiness. And if I’m going to meet physically with my TF, I’d like for my husband to find his first—not because I want to escape moral culpability for the breakdown of our relationship, but because I don’t want to cause him pain and I truly want him to be happy.

But one very uncomfortable truth for me is that no matter what I do, the worlds of my TF and I will collide, and soon.

Which terrifies the living shit out of me.

Thanks for reading my stream of consciousness. Any advice is always welcome. Sending thoughts of love to you all, such as my thoughts are.