Is it worth even crying over it if I'll only get answers?
Whenever I get a hint of reassurance or comfort I immediately shut down and clam back up. If my problems have a solution, shouldn't I be happy? Grateful? I know that having answers doesn't make my frustrations any less valid, but whenever I do get validated and actually be cared for whenever I talk about it I feel sick. I feel stupid whenever I cry about something as minor as not being noticed or having no one---I paved this path the moment I declared to socially isolate myself, and I was the one who stated I'd stop creating and sharing what I had if no one was there. It's immature to cry over the consequences of my actions, and besides I have life easy. My mom is still here and she loves me, I just can't handle the thought of talking to her because then she'll overthink about not being a good mother, I'll be redirected to "talk to God about it", and in the end it's always my fault. Whatever happens to me is my own doing. I am my own doer. So why cry? I'm not meant to be immature, I'm not meant to be childish anymore---I'm big now. They see me as mature, thoughtful, everything good... I don't even believe I'm ANY of those. What am I? Who am I? I'll have my answers for those in the future, so no need to cry. I tell myself I don't care if I don't get heard or picked---I have me, myself, and I. I made myself content with the way things are now. Should I be? I don't know. All I know is that I can't cry because I'm not valid enough, and I should be content and grateful for what I have because there are people who want the life I have. I should be okay with it.
... But then why does it hurt so much? It's probably because I've been holding myself back for so long over these feelings, I keep dismissing how I feel even though I know what I cry over is valid, but then why do I feel like it's not enough pain? Not enough misfortune to actually be pitied upon? This is a horrible mindset, I can cry and have others care for me whenever I do cry! But it's not fair, my pain isn't painful enough to actually seek out help over it! It's not enough, people have it worse! I should keep to myself! I HAVE been keeping to myself, and will have to until I can't handle it anymore, break down, and embarrass myself then repeat the cycle of keeping to myself!!! It's not fair, I'm not fair!
I should respond to people willy-nilly because I'm free, because I don't have a reason other than "I don't want to", but GOD I HATE talking to people! I'm too sensitive!
I'm too much and not enough at the same time, everything and nothing, self hate and self affirming. I hate this.
Please don't say anything, I just want to process this. I want to put this somewhere without feeling immense amounts of guilt, at least. I'll have my own answers soon and I'll always be there to hug myself and tell myself that I'll be fine, even with little explanation as to how I'll be okay.