i'm so tired of keeping myself together (tw: uhh man idk. sh thoughts, i guess?)

this weekend i have been so stressed. i have so much schoolwork already, plus i'm taking a class online, and i have like six other commitments. i've gotten some of it done but the thought of doing my work just makes me feel nauseous and the thought of doing literally anything else makes me feel worse. yesterday my parents were out and i had to deliberate for like five minutes on whether or not to harm myself and i was just thinking through any other thing i could do to not do that. eventually i settled on exercise, to like, work out energy, but i had to read through an application i need to fill out while doing it to not feel like shit.

and the problem is i'm TOO introspective and TOO knowledgable about mental health. i wish i could just have not known about anything relating to mental health when this started happening and i could just cut myself and hate myself like one of my friends but no, every time i do my brain goes "that's not a healthy coping mechanism!!!!!!!!!!!! drink some water!!! take some deep breaths!!" like OH MY FUCKING GOD NO SHIT!!! i've been having intrusive thoughts since this summer and every time i think about them my brain goes "intrusive thoughts aren't reflective of who you are as a person! these actions would be harmful but they don't mean you really want to do them, they manifest from what you care about and are afraid of!!" like. UGGHHH!!!! at this point i don't even CARE about, like, the fact that cutting myself would hurt, or the fact that it would be hard to hide, i just have a working knowledge of reality and mental health advice and understand that doing anything now would be a disservice to my future self, because presumably things will get better! eventually!! in fact when i mentioned i feel nauseous from doing anything other than work what i was thinking was "i'd rather kms than keep scrolling" but then my brain goes, "would you??" and, like. *no*. obviously not. and normalizing that kind of thought would lead to worse mental health and so it's better if i don't do it. but. ishidpiusdihjpwehiphewiphewu. i dont' know.

and i feel like an asshole because i have a friend who has it wayyy worse than i do. she's got shitty parents and she has horrible gender dysphoria (like im lowkey trans too but it's like. whatever for me. like it's tolerable.). and sometimes she'll rant in the chat and i try to be there for her but it's SOOOO frustrating because she can't get it through her thick fucking skull that people care about her and that she's a good person. and she's like "guys you can rant in the gc too it's fine! i feel bad if im the only one doing it!" like first of all no. you can do it. it's fine. *i'm* going to be fucking functional and keep my problems to myself. i don't blame you. it's fine. you have it worse than i do. like obviously im not saying any of that shit but i'm just like "oh yeah totally!" but like what the hell am i supposed to say. "oh guys my life *sucks* my family is so wealthy and my parents love me very much and although they can be hardasses about grades and extracurriculars ultimately everything i'm doing is a learning experience and will make me much more desirable for colleges, and i'm too succesful and oh no i only got an A- on my test, this SUCKS, whatever will i dooooooo!!"

ugh idk. i have like two applications to fill out by monday and i have to make a painting and i have to write a page about that painting and i have to get on a call for a nonprofit im a part of and i have to email some legislators (LONG fucking story). and if i manage to get all that done im just going to have more work to do and if i ever run out of work i'm just going to keep being stressed because there's always going to be more work to be done. just. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.