Our 23 anniversary would have been in 10 days

My husband always had terrible epilepsy. He had surgery, he was in the Stage 3 trials of a med that helped the most, but didn’t control it completely, he had tonic-clonic seizures with a fugue state. He was on 3 anticonvulsants, and Klonopin at bedtime.

He died in early June of SUDEP, which stands for Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy. Oddly, I’d never heard of it, until he told me about it a few months before he died. So I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t believe it. Their heart just stops, and there’s nothing you can do. I’m ashamed to admit I slapped him twice trying to get a response. He was dead.

I called 911, and they told me to give him CPR, and I tried, but I knew he was dead. One of our dogs was with us, and she was batting him with her paw, trying to wake him up. She is being treated for PTSD. Maybe I should be, too.

So I kept giving him CPR, but I could feel him cooling. I was hoping they could defibrillate him. When the EMTs got there, they told me he was already stiffening.

He went from living to dead in a few seconds. I saw his eyes go from living to dead.

I’m barely functioning. I have to fly on Saturday to go to my in-laws memorial service this weekend, and I can tell my MIL is pissed. I just want to curl up and sleep.

Oh, and to make things even worse, my car was stolen.

I’m sorry this is so long, but this is the first time I’ve written about his death.