Pregnant and Widowed by Suicide

I met my partner, D last October. He struggled with a long history of addiction to drugs and alcohol. None of that mattered, I fell so deep and hard in love with him. I stood by him as he navigated his recovery. He did so good and was so proud of his recovery, his health, and the life we were building. We has so many dreams for the future.

After deciding on a vasectomy, I found out I was pregnant. I considered an abortion but we were so in love, life was going so well, and D's recovery was too. Both of us had struggled to conceive with our previous partners so this baby felt life a gift from the universe and totally "meant to be." We were both so excited.

D suffered from some psychosis off and on. He heard voices but he knew they weren't real. He never lost his grip on reality. He also struggled with paranoia and anxiety. The week before he died he kept telling me he was "struggling." He has gone through these type of periods before and I just assumed he would come out of it, work through it, like he had before. The last few nights before he died he kept saying that "all the people" here wanted him to leave town. I knew this was delusional thinking and told him so, he said I was right and seemed to snap out of it. I always thought I'd know if he was using drugs (meth) and it didn't even cross my mind at the time, but now I think I was just naive. I think he used drugs the week before he died and was ashamed and delusional, unwilling to cycle another relapse and feeling like I was better off without him.

His family threw us a baby shower, March 12th. The day was busy and I didn't talk to him a lot. I knew he was struggling. I wish I'd said or done something more. After the baby shower, he said he was going to run an errand. He left, drove out to the desert and cut his arm multiple times until he bled out.

That was 18 days ago. The grief has softened and comes in waves that leave me feeling like I want to die too. I can barely even think about him or look at his things. I can't even think about having this baby in 2 months. I'm angry that he left me. I have trouble reconciling the fact that we were so happy and excited for this baby with what he did. I loved him so much, we were connected in a way I thought I'd never find in another person. I don't know how I can move forward, find happiness, and raise my baby without him. I'm angry that I have to. This isn't what I signed up for.

I'm determined not to be destroyed by this. I hear about people who are still stricken with grief months and years later and I don't want that. I want to live a beautiful life, raise this baby, and be happy - but I don't know how to.

Thanks for reading.