Stuck at six months

It's coming up on 6 months since my wife passed - 10 more days... And I don't know what I'm doing. I'm stuck in a soulless, empty routine of a life that has nothing in it without her. After 15 years together it isn't something you can adjust to - the fact that half of you is suddenly gone... So I wake up at the same time every morning, think about whether I should kill myself or get out of bed. This takes a long time because the choice is honestly getting more difficult each day. I think I'm ready to die now. But then one of our cats will hop onto the bed and start rubbing against me until I get up to feed them. Then its work and pretending everything is ok when coworkers ask you the obligatory "How are you?" I just want to scream "My wife just died! How the fuck do you think I'm doing?!" But you can't do that at the office now can you. I sleep when I get home until it's time to feed the cats again and I watch whatever garbage is on tv while I eat some microwave meal I don't really care about and then it's back to sleep until everything starts all over.

I'm on anti-depressants but they may as well be Skittles for all the good they're doing and I actually got stood up by my psychiatrist at my last appointment so maybe that's a sign worth taking notice of? Someone suggested grief counselling but I don't know much about it. If it's any of that "higher power" BS I'd rather not put myself through the additional torture.

One other thing that is holding me back is that my father-in-law lives with me. The guy is 85 and is slowing down but I worry about leaving him. If I go then he could live with his cousin for a while until they find him a place in a retirement home but he doesn't really like them. Otherwise I have to wait until he is ready to move out into a retirement home on his own and that might only be in another few years. Does that mean I carry on griding out my meaningless reality for perhaps another 4 or 5 years before he moves out?