I can never hear her again, can't I?

It's been more than a week and it doesn't get better. It gets worse. She never sent me any voice notes. Videos or stories of her talking are rare. I miss her voice. I miss her chats too. Why is death so final? Why did the hospital fail to revive her? I still can't accept this reality. It's unfair. It's so unfair. I didn't get to listen to her last words in the ER. I just want to know what she felt before she died.

I tried reading her diary but she stopped writing around May last year. Tried opening her emails, her notes, whatever but still I couldn't find anything. Somehow I'm starting to feel that I never truly knew her. She wasn't supposed to die like this. We should have more time together. Six plus years of marriage is too short.

She didn't visit me in my dreams. Tried asking our dog where her spirit is, but the boy just looked at me funny. I need a sign that she's still with me. I don't want anything in this world except her. I'll gladly trade anyone's life, no matter how many of them, if it can bring her back. Even people around me who used to claim that they're spiritually attuned stay silent when I asked them to let me talk with her spirit. Maybe the supernatural isn't real after all. It's all cope.

I hate reality.