Things I never knew

- That your car insurance goes up after your spouse dies. I mean, what in the actual f*ck. I get it, logically, I don’t need the stats. But still.

- That thinking about grocery shopping would be confusing and horrifying and all that jazz.

- People suck. Just in general. It’s SO disheartening to find out who your real peeps are. And I’m just 20 days in today. I had peeps that could not even hang for 20 god damn days.

- That grief was so heavy. Physically heavy, if that makes sense. I feel like people talk about grief as though it is a feeling or a process. Maybe it is, eventually. But to start with…. Grief is this physical thing that is always with you and masquerading as your life. And it is so heavy. And so exhausting.

Clearly I’m having a shit day . But I also never knew some good stuff… which gives me a little hope. Well, not good, exactly. But..

- I did not know that I could actually survive the week of my husbands death. You think you are this (insert here- strong, independent, fierce, full time parent, career badass) person. There’s no prep for this. It levels you. I physically hurt so badly that I thought I truly may die from a broken heart or soul or mind.

But I didn’t. So going to try and get myself back on track because all I have done for 3 days is cry.