Is this first page a decent hook?

I'm trying to focus on writing stories where the first page really hooks the reader. This is my strongest effort to write an intriguing hook.

Does it come across as too pretentious, are you hooked, or are you bored?

Genre is Dark Comedy, High Fantasy / Portal Fantasy

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C9OKWpUal7w-UrYTTYekeCnydUn6B8RYf-v\_96v2AAw/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C9OKWpUal7w-UrYTTYekeCnydUn6B8RYf-v_96v2AAw/edit?usp=sharing)